DESIGNATED ASSHOLE

As a child I was very shy and backwards. There was no self-esteem inside me and I made myself as invisible as I could.  The other kids perceived me as weak because of my passive personality. Therefore, on my back was a permanent bulls-eye that said “Bullies welcome here”……….

This passiveness continued for most of my life.  I never learned the word “NO”.  This created a sense of not having value.  I did not believe my life was of any value to anyone.  I allowed people to take advantage of me in many ways over my lifetime, which cost me, more than I can even admit to myself. 

Eventually, this passiveness cost me a career.  A career that cost two years of student loans and a lot of time and effort preparing for it.  This was the last straw.  I took a good hard look at myself, which was very painful, and made the decision to change. 

The hardest part of this change was for my family.  There were some family members that used to take advantage (sad to say) of that passiveness and enjoyed humiliating me at family functions. I made it clear that this behavior would stop. Immediately. And if it continued, there would be no relationship, blood or not, and it would not be my choice.  It worked.

Unfortunately, there are more family situations that I had to stand up and say NO to.  This changed attitude of mine confused everyone.  Honestly, I think they did not know how to handle this and they probably questioned my sanity behind my back. 

Over the years, I have not had many friends. The friends I do have are very good lifetime friends.  I could count them on one hand.  Although I managed to come out of my shyness and backwardness in my adult years, I was still not popular, cool, or comfortable in large groups. 

Currently there is a “friend” (let’s call her Linda) that is mad at me.  I have no idea why. Linda has been giving me the silent treatment all week now.  Linda always promised me that if she was mad she would let me know.  This is because when she is in a “mood” everyone knows.  I learned long ago not to take these moods personally. Plus, she knows I cannot tolerate the unspoken tension.

 So, for the first few days I figured Linda was working through something.  Finally, I faced Linda and asked if she was mad at me. She vaguely said, “Yes”……. I was floored.  Then I asked, “Why haven’t you told me what you are mad about?”…..she answered dismissively, “There has not been opportunity”.  I call bullshit on that. There has been ample time.

After sleeping on this, I have come to the determination that, at this point, it does not matter what she is mad about.  By creating the unspoken tension, and refusing to talk to me about it, I consider us even. Which is what I will tell Linda if she ever decides to confront this issue. 

In looking back at my troubled relationships with family and friends, I have to wonder, am I the asshole?  Does standing up for myself when mistreated make me an asshole?  Does refusing to be manipulated make me an asshole?  While I do some sincere soul-searching, I hereby declare myself, The Designated Asshole.