As a child I was very shy
and backwards. There was no self-esteem inside me and I made myself as
invisible as I could. The other kids
perceived me as weak because of my passive personality. Therefore, on my back
was a permanent bulls-eye that said “Bullies welcome here”……….
This passiveness continued
for most of my life. I never learned the
word “NO”. This created a sense of not
having value. I did not believe my life
was of any value to anyone. I allowed
people to take advantage of me in many ways over my lifetime, which cost me,
more than I can even admit to myself.
Eventually, this
passiveness cost me a career. A career
that cost two years of student loans and a lot of time and effort preparing for
it. This was the last straw. I took a good hard look at myself, which was
very painful, and made the decision to change.
The hardest part of this
change was for my family. There were
some family members that used to take advantage (sad to say) of that
passiveness and enjoyed humiliating me at family functions. I made it clear
that this behavior would stop. Immediately. And if it continued, there would be
no relationship, blood or not, and it would not be my choice. It worked.
Unfortunately, there are
more family situations that I had to stand up and say NO to. This changed attitude of mine confused
everyone. Honestly, I think they did not
know how to handle this and they probably questioned my sanity behind my
back.
Over the years, I have not
had many friends. The friends I do have are very good lifetime friends. I could count them on one hand. Although I managed to come out of my shyness
and backwardness in my adult years, I was still not popular, cool, or
comfortable in large groups.
Currently there is a “friend”
(let’s call her Linda) that is mad at me.
I have no idea why. Linda has been giving me the silent treatment all
week now. Linda always promised me that
if she was mad she would let me know.
This is because when she is in a “mood” everyone knows. I learned long ago not to take these moods
personally. Plus, she knows I cannot tolerate the unspoken tension.
So, for the first few days I figured Linda was
working through something. Finally, I
faced Linda and asked if she was mad at me. She vaguely said, “Yes”……. I was
floored. Then I asked, “Why haven’t you
told me what you are mad about?”…..she answered dismissively, “There has not
been opportunity”. I call bullshit on
that. There has been ample time.
After sleeping on this, I
have come to the determination that, at this point, it does not matter what she
is mad about. By creating the unspoken
tension, and refusing to talk to me about it, I consider us even. Which is what
I will tell Linda if she ever decides to confront this issue.
